I’ve been sleeping instead of writing this week. I haven’t been cleaning or cooking or doing anything really other than keeping an eye on Ellie as she demands Nana’s attention (NANA! NAAAAANNNAAA!) to play ‘hide the pig’ in the couch cushions and pitter pattering all over the house waking papa up in the wee hours of the morning.
And ok ok I’ve been streaming ‘Vampire Diaries’. My brain likes junk food, too.
So why have I been so unbelievably lazy?
It isn’t lazy when you’re building another human! Yep hubby and I are expecting another little Yeh. He or she has graduated to the size of a large naval orange. My own naval has gotten quite large also. When we found out we weren’t having quadruplets Bill blurted out ‘So why are you so BIG?’. Why indeed. I was thinking it too but to SAY IT OUT LOUD! Come on!
It’s a good thing I didn’t marry him for his smooth lines or his charming conversational skills. His life has never been in more danger now that I’m pregnant again. I’ve had to hide the hammers and other close-by blunt instruments for his own safety.
Bill: (Coming home from work) “Angela why is this box of crayons on the floor? It’s stuck. Ew, it’s stuck to this spilled apple-sauce! What happened?”
Me: (Taking a deep breath and trying not to notice the big heavy book on the counter I could smack him upside the head with). “It’s been a long day, Bill. Why don’t you help clean it up while I wash the poop out of Ellie’s hair?” (And then collapse in an exhausted heap on the bed too tired to change into my pajama’s.)
For awhile there I felt like I was just a big battery being used to power another, BIGGER battery.
It is better now that I’m in the second trimester. I’ve got more good days than bad and the nausea has let up considerably.
Now that I’m not in a fugue of my own sickness and exhaustion I’ve had time to start worrying about how Ellie will handle the change. Did you know Ellie and I still cuddle in the morning for at least 20 minutes? It’s true. She wakes up and I take her back to bed with me and she plays with my hair and we snuggle until we’re ready to get up for the day. It’s my favorite time of day.
Did you know she just yesterday stayed downstairs with Nana while I had a shower instead of crying to be right in there with me? That she’s fearless when bounding down stairs and jumping on beds and into swimming pools but any time a stranger gets close she cries to be in my arms and snuggles so tight she almost cuts off my air supply? It’s true.
She still sleeps in a crib. The crib we need for baby Yeh #2 and her new room is across the kitchen, across the living room, across the WORLD from our room? So far away. How will she cope with so much change at once? New bed, new room, new baby? Not to mention potty training. So much so fast! How will I cope?
Nursing a new baby and trying to give a two year old the attention she needs to grow up to be a healthy, confident, mentally stable adult!? GAK!
Ok now that I’m done breathing into a paper bag, I can see I will probably need some help. There’s no use wasting time lamenting over the fact mom and dad are so far away. No use saying I realized while Ellie was playing with Nana yesterday that SHE needs other people who care for her like I do in her life on a more consistent basis. Maybe more than I do. That because we’re living so far away she’s missing out on the fullness of some really special, loving relationships?
Well like I said there’s no use lamenting it.
Bill and I have a lot of work to do before Yeh # 2 gets here, and not for the first time in my life I’m happy I’m a Yogi. It was yoga or valium and at least my body won’t develop a tolerance for yoga over time.
I found a quote about meditation and nourishment of divinity. That’s a little lofty – I’m just happy when it let’s me put my ‘bad mom’ jeans in the wash (impatience, inattention, tiredness) and pull on my ‘good mom’ pants. (Refreshed, renewed, feeling loving and loved).
Now excuse me while I go mediate myself into a valium-like state. Right after I clean Ellie’s face from the pen marks she put all over her cheeks while I wrote this.
“Meditation is a way for nourishing and blossoming the divinity within you.”
― Amit Ray, Meditation: Insights and Inspirations